SALLY MEHRETEAB

SNL SUBMISSION PACKET 2022 – 2023 SEASON

CONTENTS

1. Spit Some Out! …………………………………………………………………………PG 01

2. She’s Fun! (Digital Short)……………………………………………PG 09

3. Time Travelers - Systems Difference……………….PG 20

4. The Summer I Turned Funny………………………………………………PG 29

5. Personification of X……………………………………………………………PG 40

6. Biden Parody of Rawhide (2020)…………………………………PG 46

SirSally.com

DearSirSally@gmail.com

(347) 229-7902

“Spit Some Out!”

‘Spot Markets, Securities and Song’

Business & Finance Cable News Show

Written by

Sally Mehreteab

DearSirSally@gmail.com

(347) 229-7902

SPIT SOME OUT

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. LOCATION – CABLE NEWS NETWORK CHIEF’S OFFICE

(CNN LOGO APPEARS AGAINST WALL, TV SCREENS COVER OTHER WALL, BIG WINDOW SHOWING CITY BUILDINGS IN BACKGROUND, WITH LARGE CEO DESK)

MUSIC: FADES IN, DIGITAL, TICKER TAPE SOUNDS.

(PUNKIE JOHNSON SITS BEHIND DESK, AS CEO, SPEAKING TO SARAH SHERMAN, AUDIENCE ENGAGEMENT ANALYST MANAGER)

PUNKIE JOHNSON

Our quarterly viewership numbers for our Sunday finance shows?

SAHAH SHERMAN

Not looking good, M’am. Rates are down by 20%. Some intriguing analytics show interest in NFTs are up with both punk rock purveyors and Broadway show consumers. Maybe we’ve got something there?

PUNKIE JOHNSON

What’s our typical audience member age?

SAHAH SHERMAN

Ah, 72, M’am.

PUNKIE JOHNSON

Is it possible to create a business market show appealing to such a wide viewership?

PUNKIE JOHNSON AND SARAH SHERMAN

(BOTH PLACE HAND UNDER CHIN, CONTEMPLATING THE POSSIBILTY)

Hmmmmmmmmm…

FADE OUT

SPIT SOME OUT NEWS SHOW INTRO

FADE IN:

TAG (‘SPIT SOME OUT!’ LETTERS [SEX PISTOLS FONT] SWOOP IN WITH SUBTITLE ‘Spot Markets, Securities & Song’ [TIMES NEW ROMAN FONT] OVER FOLLOWING MONTAGE –

MUSIC SIMULTANEOUSLY FADES IN: HARD ROCKING, PUNK STYLE GUITAR, BASS & RIFFS WITH ‘SPIT SOME OUT’ ON REPEAT WITH BASS RIFFS)

DAYTIME INTERIOR - INSIDE UNION SQUARE SUBWAY STATION PLATFORM

(SUBWAY DOORS OPEN WITH LOADS OF PEOPLE WEARING BUSINESS SUITS WITH FACES AND BODIES PUSHED UP AGAINST GLASS DOORS. DOORS OPEN AND PEOPLE ARE EJECTED OUT, STUMBLING, NEVERENDING LIKE A CLOWN CAR)

DAYTIME INTERIOR - INSIDE LOBBY OF WALL STREET BUILDING WITH REVOLVING DOORS

(LOADS OF PEOPLE IN BUSINESS SUITS EXIT REVOLVING DOORS AT INCREASED SPEEDS – SPITTING PEOPLE OUT INTO LOBBY)

DAYTIME EXTERIOR, BEACH – ROUGH BREAKING WAVES ROLLING VIOLENTLY TO SHORE

(WAVES PUSH TUMBLING MEN AND WOMEN IN BUSINESS SUITS OUT OF WAVES DEPOSITING THEM ON BEACH SHORELINE AS WAVES RETREAT, LEAVING BUSINESS PEOPLE ON SAND, WATERLESS)

DAYTIME EXTERIOR - OUTSIDE PLAZA OF TALL WALL STREET BUILDING WITH REVOLVING DOORS

(LOADS OF PEOPLE IN BUSINESS SUITS EXIT REVOLVING DOORS AT INCREASED SPEEDS – SPITTING PEOPLE OUT ONTO PLAZA)

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. LOCATION – SUNDAY NEWS SHOW SET UP WITH FOUR CHAIRS FACING EACH OTHER, LARGE CONFERENCE STYLE TABLE WITH LOGO ‘SPIT SOME OUT’ COVERING TABLE FRONT

(SHOW CO-HOSTS CECILY STRONG, BOWEN YANG, ALEX MOFFAT & EGO NWODIM SIT AT NEWS DESK)

CECILY STRONG

Welcome to our premiere edition of ‘Spit Some Out’ where we give you major features of fintech & business through song. Co-hosts, what do you think of this new approach?

ALEX MOFFAT

I think it’s great – gaining new audience members and keeping old ones, excuse me, more senior members, that is, ha ha.

EGO NWODIM

Let’s introduce our first segment, “Nifty NFTs”

BOWEN YANG

Ahh, NFTs, where cryptocurrency annihilates any savings from Energy Star appliances with one minting.

ALEX MOFFAT

(LOOKING AT BOWEN YANG)

Sponsors, my friend, sponsors…

B0WEN YANG

(SINGING TO BEETHOVEN’S 5^TH SYMPHONY)

Ladies and gents,

Attention please,

Now is the time for cryptocurrency background,

A blockchain body with a lot of currencies,

So lend an ear, and you shall hear

Non-fungible assets - and how to shun the big dragnets

EGO NWODIM

(SWITCHES MELODY TO MAIRZY DOATS [MARES EAT OATS])

Oh, NFTs’ analyses are free, but can be dicey
An Investor risks so much, but should you?
Yes! Cryptography’s for the Bourgeoisie, Bursting bubbles can be pricey
An Investor has reserves, but do you?

CECILY STRONG

More questions, than answers, so far. Thank you. Let’s move to the new list of Fortune 500 CEOs. And guess what? Women are having a record year!

ALEX MOFFAT

Must be almost 50% by now?

EGO NWODIM

Guess again.

ALEX MOFFATSHRUG

Surely 25%. You said, ‘New record’, right?

CECILY STRONG

I sure did. It’s 8.8%.

ALEX MOFFAT

Wow, all that talent must be brimming right under the top, then, let’s quadruple that number 2023!

CECILY STRONG

Let’s take a look at who IS at the top now.

(SCROLLING PHOTOS OF CEOS SHOWN IN TIME WITH THE CHARGE (SPORTS FANFARE) SONG - EACH PHOTO EQUALS A BEAT WITH FOUR CO-HOSTS SINGING, "MEN" FOR EACH BEAT. "MEN, MEN, MEN, MEN, MEN, MEN, MEN, MEN..." WHEN A WOMAN CEO APPEARS, THE CLIMAX NOTE OF CHARGE IS SUNG, "WOMAN!". ORGAN ACCOMPANIES SINGERS)

CECILY STRONG, EGO NWODIM, ALEX MOFFAT, BOWEN YANG

Men, men, men, men, men, men…Woman!

(AFTER 44th WOMAN APPEARS)

CECILY STRONG

That’s all the women and that’s all the time we have today. Thank you for joining our fortissimo finance forerunner of a show.

CECILY STRONG, EGO NWODIM, ALEX MOFFAT, BOWEN YANG

Good day everyone!

ALEX MOFFAT

Peuling time!

(HOSTS STRIKES WEIRD POSE)

(MUSIC FADES IN – “SPIT SOME OUT” THEME SONG ROCKS THE STUDIO)

(ALL HOSTS STAND UP, PLAYING AIR GUITAR)

FADE OUT

END OF SCENE

“SHE’S FUN!”

SNL DIGITAL SHORT

Written by

Sally Mehreteab

DearSirSally@gmail.com

(347) 229-7902

TAG (OVER BLACK SCREEN): “An SNL Digital Short”

TAG (‘SHE’S FUN!’ LETTERS [ITALIC COOPER FONT] DISSOLVE IN WITH V.O. GROUP SIMULTANEOUSLY SHOUTING, “She’s fun!”)

(MUSIC FADES IN THEN PLAYS ALL THE WHILE – INSTRUMENTAL OF FEIST’S 1,2,3,4 – FUN, SWEET WITH FLUTE FOR VOCAL LINE – PLAYED BY LIZZO?)

(DISSOLVE TO BEGINNING OF MONTAGE OF MELISSA VILLASEÑOR SCENARIOS)

EXT. LOCATION – DAYTIME FREEWAY TRAFFIC JAM.

(FADE IN)

(MAJOR TRAFFIC JAM WITH ALL VEHICLES AT STAND STILL, DRIVERS ARE FRUSTRATED… MELISSA VILLASEÑOR ROLLS DOWN WINDOW AND GETS A KITE GOING…DRIVERS POINT, GET OUT OF CAR AND EVERYONE IS DELIGHTED WITH THE DISTRACTION)

(FADE OUT)

EXT. LOCATION – OUTDOOR NYC PARK BENCHES AT LUNCHTIME.

(FADE IN)

(BUSINESS PEOPLE EATING LUNCH, MELISSA VILLASEÑOR SITS NEXT TO MOM WITH RECALCITRANT 5 YEAR OLD, MOM AND MELISSA VILLASEÑOR NOD TO ONE ANOTHER, MELISSA VILLASEÑOR PULLS OUT QUARTER FROM BEHIND 5 YEAR OLD’S EAR TO CHILD’S GLEE)

(FADE OUT)

INT. LOCATION – SUBWAY TRAIN WITH LARGE GROUP OF MELISSA VILLASEÑOR’S FRIENDS HEADED TO GATHERING)

(FADE IN)

(DURING RIDE BETWEEN STOPS, MELISSA VILLASEÑOR QUICKLY BRAIDS EVERYONE’S SCARVES, LONG HAIR, TASSELS ON BAGS AND CLOTHING TOGETHER. AT TRAIN ARRIVAL, EVERYONE TAKES A STEP IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS TO EXIT AND ARE GENTLY PULLED TOGETHER BY BRAID.

EVERYONE LOOKS AT MELISSA, WHO THEN RELEASES THE BRAID WITH ONE FELL SWOOP OF CLOTH, HA HA HA, AND ALL SAUNTER OUT OF TRAIN)

(FADE OUT)

EXT. LOCATION – DAYTIME, OUTDOOR SIDEWALK NEXT TO SENIOR CENTER.

(FADE IN)

(SENIORS ARE OUTSIDE FOR SOME SUN. ALL SENIORS ARE COUPLED UP WITH FRIENDS EXCEPT FOR ONE.

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR WALKS TOWARDS SENIOR CENTER, SEES THE LONE LADY, PULLS OUT A SMALL BALLOON, BLOWS IT UP AND VOLLEYS THE BALLOON WITH THE SOLO SENIOR, WITH SENIOR SMILING EAR TO EAR LIKE A SMALL CHILD)

(FADE OUT)

EXT. LOCATION – DUSK, OUTDOOR SIDEWALK NYC.

(FADE IN)

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR AND FRIEND LOOK AT PHONE, DISAPPOINTED AND DISCOURAGED SEEING THEY STILL HAVE 1.4 MILES TO WALK

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR KICKS PEBBLE AHEAD OF THEM AND SHE AND FRIEND THEN KICK IT ALL THE WAY TO THEIR DESTINATION HAVING A FABULOUS TIME!)

(FADE OUT)

EXT. LOCATION – HIGH LINE

(FADE IN)

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR AND SAD FRIEND SIT ON STEPS OF PERFORMANCE AREA.

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR LOOKS AT FRIEND, HANDS ONE AIR POD OVER. FRIEND PLACES AIR POD IN EAR, THEN LOOKS AT MELISSA VILLASEÑOR AND THEY BOTH NOD, SMILE, THEN BUST OUT LAUGHTING, AND FRIEND PUTS ARM AROUND MELISSA VILLASEÑOR.)

(FADE OUT)

EXT. LOCATION – MADISON SQUARE PARK WATER FOUNTAIN

(FADE IN)

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR AND BUSINESS COLLEAGUES WALK BY FOUNTAIN

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR STOPS, HALTS EVERYONE THEN HANDS OUT PENNIES FOR WISHING!)

(FADE OUT)

EXT. LOCATION –EARLY MORNING, SIDEWALK OUTSIDE NYC APARTMENT/BROWNSTONES

(FADE IN)

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR DRAWS LARGE CIRCLE WITH ‘TODAY IS YOUR DAY’.

A FEW BLOCKS AWAY DRAWS LARGE CIRCLE ‘HASN’T BEEN YOUR DAY SO FAR?’ OUTSIDE CIRCLE AND ‘ENTER RESET AREA FOR BRAND NEW DAY’ INSIDE CIRCLE

A FEW BLOCKS AWAY DRAWS TIC TAC TOE OUTLINE AND LEAVES CHALK WITH INSTRUCTIONS – ‘YOUR MOVE NEXT’

(FADE OUT)

EXT. LOCATION – DAYTIME BRYANT PARK DURING LUNCH HOUR

(FADE IN)

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR SITS AMONG BUSINESS COLLEAGUES WITH LOTS OF CHILDREN NEARBY

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR PULLS OUT BUBBLES TO CHILDREN’S AND ADULTS’ DELIGHT)

(CAMERA FOLLOWS BUBBLES IN SUNSHINE. SUDDENLY A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY LOOKING MOTH APPEARS – RED AND WHITE WINGS WITH BLACK DOTS (A SPOTTED LANTERNFLY)…CAMERA FOLLOWS FLUTTERING CREATURE WITH SUNLIGHT AND WE CUT TO JOYFUL LOOKS OF CHILDREN)

(CU OF MELISSA VILLASEÑOR NARROWING EYES. SHE PULLS OUT SPRAY HAND SANITIZER, SPRAYS MOTH WHICH FALLS TO GROUND. MELISSA SMASHES MOTH WITH BOTTOM OF SHOE, SHOWING GOOEY REMAINS AS CHILDREN SCREAM IN DISGUST AND AGONY)

(MUSIC SCREECHES TO HALT)

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR SHRUGS SHOULDERS, SMILING ALL THE WHILE, CHILDREN WAILING IN BACKGROUND)

What? It’s invasive.

(FADE OUT)

(END OF SHOW)

“TIME TRAVEL - SYSTEMS DIFFERENCE”

Written by

Sally Mehreteab

DearSirSally@gmail.com

(347) 229-7902

TIME TRAVEL – SYSTEMS DIFFERENCE

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. LOCATION – CIA BUILDING, WESTERN SOUTH DAKOTA

(CIA LOGO APPEARS WITH “TOP SECRET” TIME TRAVEL MISSION. “OPERATION ETU”)

MUSIC: FADES IN, SERIOUS, TECHY.

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. LOCATION – CONFERENCE ROOM WITH BUSINESS PROFESSIONALS IN SUITS. EACH PARTICIPANT HAS OCCUPATIONAL NAMEPLATE. HEAD OF PROGRAM WEARING WHITE LAB JACKET STANDS AT PODIUM.

CHRIS REDD, HEAD PHYSICIST

Thank you all for attending. We know you’re as excited as we are on the confirmed process of time travel. We have gathered the finest minds from across the occupational spectrum to be able to capture the full breadth of the societies we visit. We want people of ideas, such as yourselves, to report back with the extensive human experience for the chosen epochs you’ll visit.

(MEMBERS IN ATTENDANCE NOD IN AGREEMENT.)

CHRIS REDD (CONT’D)

We’re breaking the larger group into smaller pods for travel. Don’t worry, we have some travel exercises ready to ensure pod members work well together.

(MEMBERS LOOK EACH OTHER OVER.)

CHRIS REDD (CONT’D)

(CECILY STRONG, CHRIS REDD’S PARTNER STANDS NEXT TO HIM)

My partner and I will now go around the room, talking to each pod.

(CECILY STRONG GOES TO POD 1)

CECILY STRONG

So, here we have a butcher, a baker and a…

(CU OF PERSON WITH ‘CHANDLER’ ON PLACE NAME CARD)

SARAH SHERMAN (CHANDLER)

I make candles…

CHRIS REDD

As I mentioned, individuals will need to work together initiating, traveling and returning on these maiden voyages. Let’s do an exercise where we have to navigate a podmate on the mission ship, both inside the vessel and directing your ship’s trajectory. Let’s begin with this group, a shipbuilder, Broadway director and a Certified Administer of Personality Tests. Okay. You, shipbuilder and Personality Test Administrator, try to get the director from x placement to y, using this template. The director appears as the red dot. Director, you go to our prototype ship here, and listen to the directions from your podmates.

(DIRECTOR WALKS TO SHIP PROTOTYPE)

(SHIPBUILDER AND PERSONALITY TEST ADMINISTRATOR HUDDLE TOGETHER READYING TO GIVE DIRECTIONS)

BROADWAY DIRECTOR

And action!

SHIPBUILDER

Go to the starboard side, go starboard.

BROADWAY DIRECTOR

What?

SHIPBUILDER

Take five steps starboard side.

BROADWAY DIRECTOR

Is that stage right or stage left?

SHIPBUILDER

This is a ship! And my words are universal ship language!

BROADWAY DIRECTOR

Any guidance from the Personality Test Administrator?

PERSONALITY TEST ADMIN

Yes, that’s right, I’m ENFP – We’re FEEILING people, I say, FEELING people. Feel your way to that pole!

BROADWAY DIRECTOR

Are you talking North pole? Because I don’t see…

PERSONALITY TEST ADMIN

I feel you – no the actual pole to the left.

BROADWAY DIRECTOR

My left?

SHIPBUILDER

What, no, turn around.

(BROADWAY DIRECTOR DOES 360 SPIN)

BROADWAY DIRECTOR

I don’t see the meaning of that move.

SHIPBUILDER

Okay, now go port side!

CHRIS REDD

Okay, it’s a good thing this is a dress rehearsal. Shall we try the next pod with their task?

CECILY STRONG

(CECILY MOVES TO POD 2)

Here we have our group with a mapmaker, chef and firefighter. Let’s try the same task. Mapmaker and chef, you two guide the firefighter from Sector X to Sector Y using the template. Firefighter, get inside the vessel.

MAPMAKER

Using the Cartesian landscape, move to coordinates 8, 10 with you starting at 0, 0.

FIREFIGHTER

What? You mean Alpha division?

BRITISH CHEF

Almost. Go there! Two Meters!

FIREFIGHTER

Where?

MAPMAKER TO BRITISH CHEF

You’re just pointing.

(BRITISH CHEF IS POINTING)

BRITISH CHEF

We’ll make masterpieces together. Go over there!

CECILY STRONG

A lot to learn, I see. So, our next pod consist of an English Professor, Army General and Chemist.

CECILY STRONG TO PUNKIE JOHNSON (CHEMIST IN WHITE COAT)

Dr. please proceed to the vessel for instructions from your podmates.

PUNKIE JOHNSON (CHEMIST)

Aye Captain!

JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON (ARMY GENERAL)

I’ll have you know I’m a General!

ALEX MOFFAT (ENGLISH PROFESSOR)

Okay Chemist. We don’t know what we’ll encounter out there so let’s start with a push and roundhouse kick combo to a basic sprawl.

(CROWD MEETS INSTRUCTIONS WITH SOME SKEPTICISM)

ALEX MOFFAT (ENGLISH PROFESSOR)

(QUIETLY)

What, I also do some MMA.

JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON (ARMY GENERAL)

Offense, I like it.

ALEX MOFFAT (ENGLISH PROFESSOR)

Enter stage right, Chemist!

PUNKIE JOHNSON (CHEMIST)

(WHISPERS TO SELF, ONE EYRBROW COCKED)

What? Well… push and roundhouse combo to a sprawl.

(PUNKIE JOHNSON, CHEMIST, PERFORMS MOVES AS DIRECTED, REACHING TARGET DESTINATION)

(ALL MEMBERS CHEER)

CHRIS REDD TO CECILY STRONG

Should we just use the time vessel now to start over?

CECILY STRONG

That ship has sailed.

CHRIS REDD

Hope there’s no black holes.

FADE OUT

END OF SCENE

“The Summer I Turned Funny”

Written by

Sally Mehreteab

DearSirSally@gmail.com

(347) 229-7902

THE SUMMER I TURNED…FUNNY

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. LOCATION – UNDERWATER POOL

(Camera floats underwater through sunshine infused pool, boku effects, letters fade in - THE SUMMER I TURNED … FUNNY. Woman shimmers in, along with a dangling microphone, a la Nirvana’s Nevermind album cover.)

MUSIC: FADES IN, HAPPY, CONTEMPLATIVE.

FADE OUT

END OF SCENE

FADE IN:

EXT. LOCATION – DRONE FOOTAGE OF YOUTH TRACK & FIELD PROGRAM, SOCCER CAMP, BEACH SCENES AND FAMILY BBQ.

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR (V.O.)

Ever since I had children, summer has been the highlight of my year - kids’ activities, winding my freelance work down for a few months, having families over, going to the beach. This summer would have to be different though. Both kids have jobs, and are old enough to use the subway on their own, so no shuttling them around. I determined this summer would be different.

PTA MEMBER & FRIEND CHLOE FINEMAN

You seem different this summer.

You can stand on your head?

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR standing on head without the support of a wall.)

When did you learn how to juggle?

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR juggles while laughing.)

Have your eyebrows grown back???

(CU of MELISSA VILLASEÑOR waggling bushy eyebrows.)

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. LOCATION – TWO TEEN KIDS, HUSBAND, (PTA) FRIENDS SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY WITH CANDLE LIT CAKE – 43.

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR (V.O.)

Every birthday I make a wish. This year, I promise I would stretch my boundaries. Uncannily, I feel a 1970s Sketch Show calling me.

Unsure of the exact bold step to choose, I knew I had to make the announcement in front of everyone. I had four options, skydiving, performing on stage, tight-rope walking or a helicopter ride. My family spins me around and where I stop nobody knows!

(FAMILY SPINS AROUND A BLINDFOLDED MELISSA. SHE SPINS AND STOPS, FINDING HERSELF POINTING AT TEEN MIKEY DAY HOLDING ‘PERFORMING ON STAGE’ SIGN)

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR (CONT’D)

Performing on stage?

(FEELING SICK FROM SPINNING – LOWERS HERSELF TO FLOOR)

DAUGHTER HEIDI GARDNER

But what can you do? You have to entertain people? Try dancing, that should make people laugh!

(CU OF MELISSA VILLASEÑOR WITH PERPLEXED LOOK, STILL FEELING SICK FROM SPINNING.)

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. LOCATION – FAMILY SITTING AT TABLE AS MELISSA VILLASEÑOR APPROACHES WITH PLATTER OF FOOD.

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR DOES A SHIMMY AND SHUFFLE WALKING FROM KITCHEN)

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR (SINGING)

Monkey Pox are painful. The living wage ain’t gainful. Let’s eat together nowwwwwww.

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR ENDS WITH JAZZ HANDS)

(FAMILY GIVES EACH OTHER LOOKS AND RAISED EYEBROWS)

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. LOCATION – MELLISA VILLASEÑOR, DAD ARISTOTLE ATHARI SITTING AT TABLE

(TEEN MIKEY DAY APPROACHES ARISTOTLE ATHARI)

MIKEY DAY

Dad, love the new shoes, and you were right about that coaxial cable. Hey, can I borrow the car?

(BEFORE ARISTOTLE ATHARI HAS A CHANCE TO RESPOND)

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR

Just like a Catholic Prayer, butter ‘em up and go for the ask!

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. LOCATION – PTA FRIENDS VISITING IN LIVING ROOM.

PTA PRESIDENT BOWEN YANG

Guess what I found for you…A Comic Ball – at the end of the summer! I’ve already signed you up! And can help you get ready.

BOWEN YANG AND MELISSA (SIMULTANEOUSLY)

Let’s go shopping!!!

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

EXT. LOCATION – OUTSIDE MAIN STREET WITH LOTS OF SHOPS.

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR IS READY TO SHOP!!!)

MUSIC: PEPPY, UPLIFTING

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR WALKS INTO A BAR AND SEES A FEMALE PRIEST, RABBI AND IMAM – STOPS, JOTS A NOTE AND THROWS IT IN HER JOKE BAG)

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR SEES SOMEONE SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL - STOPS, JOTS A NOTE AND THROWS IT IN HER JOKE BAG)

(MELISSA VILLASEÑOR STOPS AT A DOOR, HEARS SOMEONE KNOCK TWICE AND JOTS A NOTE AND THROWS IT IN HER JOKE BAG)

(SHOPPING TRIP CONCLUDED – WITH SWINGING SHOPPING BAGS ON SHOULDER)

FADE OUT

FADE IN

INT. LOCATION – MELISSA’S OFFICE.

(MELISSA SCROLLS THROUGH COMPUTER SITES FOR COMEDY TUTORIALS)

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR

Comedy 101…

(MONTAGE OF EXTREME PREP FOR BIG NIGHT OF COMIC BALL)

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR (V.O.)

Watching online comedy bits of SNL & sketch routines stirred my latent desire to be an SNL writer, maybe even a player. I had suppressed these feelings as my husband was the funny one in the family and I let him play that role. Maybe there’s room for two comics in the family?

(MONTAGE SHOTS OF MELISSA)

(SCRIBBLING NOTES FURIOUSLY)

(WRITING, LAUGHING)

(WRITING, CRYING)

(MIC IN HAND, TRYING NOT TO LOOK AT NOTES)

(GETTING CAUGHT IN MIC WIRE, WHILE BOWEN YANG AND CHLOE FINEMAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER WITH HALF DOWN-TURNED MOUTHS, SHAKING THEIR HEADS)

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. LOCATION – NIGHTTIME - COMEDY CLUB.

(MELISSA IN SPOTLIGHT, ENTERS TO MODEST APPLAUSE)

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR

Any current or former wait staff in the audience? You ever notice how people who are good at waitering are good at most things? Yeah, I was a terrible waiter…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CAMERA PANS AUDIENCE SHOWING MICHEAL CHE & COLIN JOST, KENT SUBLETTE, ALISON GATES AND STREETER SEIDELL ON ONE SIDE OF CLUB AND MAYA RUDOLPH, TINA FEY & AMY POELHER ON OTHER)

(MUSIC PLAYS WHILE MELISSA VILLASEÑOR WORKS THE MIC)

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR

…And that’s why I am never sharing any of my phobias!!!

(AUDIENCE ERUPTS IN LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE!)

(BOTH MAYA RUDOLPH AND COLIN JOST GROUPS APPROACH STAGE)

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR (V.O.)

What do I see before my eyes? My dream team of film writers, Maya Rudolph, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler approaching and…who is this I see, Micheal Che and Colin Jost, et al? Oh my heart. What is that they are holding? Big fat contracts! With comprehensive dental benefits! Oh my. What do I do? Whom do I choose?

(CU OF MELISSA VILLASEÑOR EYES PANICKING, BROW SWEATING)

(SWEET MUSIC PLAYS)

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR (V.O.)

It had to be you SNL. It’s always been you.

AMY POEHLER

We understand, Melissa. We’ll wait until you learn what the hell you’re doing, and after SNL we’ll collaborate!

FADE OUT

END OF SHOW

“Personification of X – Weekend Update Guest”

Written by

Sally Mehreteab

DearSirSally@gmail.com

(347) 229-7902

FADE IN:

INT. LOCATION – WEEKEND UPDATE NEWSROOM

COLIN JOST:

The US Dept. of Commerce recently announced a new strategy to reenergize the economy. Here is the variable X to help explain some basic economic formulas.

(EGO NWODIM ROLLS IN, WEARING VARIABLE X COSTUME)

EGO NWODIM:

Thank you Colin. Before I explain Demand, Supply and Equilibrium Points, X would like a word on the liberal use of X. Does anyone care what X thinks? Just use me for any subject, no matter the purpose??? As variables go, X gets the majority of jobs - heavily associated with counterparts y and z, but X is the go-to and most popular variable in town. Not just in national news, but all disciplines – math, physics, even the humanities. Sure, X is underutilized in common lexicon and it doesn’t hurt – that association with S-E-X. Can’t have sexy without X!

By definition, X represents an unknown quantity. X is the possibility. X is the multiplier!

COLIN JOST:

You refer to yourself in the third person?

EGO NWODIM:

Ask what X wants and find out!

COLIN JOST:

What does X want?

EGO NWODIM:

X wants expansion! X wants positivity (figuratively speaking, negative numbers are fine, see). Give me an axis and I’m the independent one!

COLIN JOST:

Would it help to get to know you better if we review some common associations?

EGO NWODIM:

Sure.

COLIN JOST:

X-Ray

EGO NWODIM:

Let’s hear it for electromagnetic radiation.

COLIN JOST:

X-Files

EGO NWODIM:

Scully & Mulder expanded minds.

COLIN JOST:

Gen X

EGO NWODIM:

Love the XX Chromosome increase in workforce participation (and they’re the glue of society).

COLIN JOST:

X on Passports?

EGO NWODIM:

Moving us forward.

EGO NWODIM:

Why aren’t you mentioning the Pythagorean Theorem Colin?

(INSET OF PYTHAGOREAN THEREOM APPEARS SHOWING RIGHT TRIANGLE WITH TRADITIONAL EQUATION USING a, b, c VARIABLES)

COLIN JOST:

I didn’t know you were associated with that equation.

EGO NWODIM:

You’re showing the wrong version, Colin!

(INSET OF PYTHAGOREAN THEREOM APPEARS SHOWING EQUATION WITH X, Y, Z VARIABLES)

EGO NWODIM:

That’s more like it! There is no slope without my run!

COLIN JOST:

Okay. How about X-Men?

EGO NWODIM:

Love those time travelers, and…Professor X.

COLIN JOST:

X-Factor

EGO NWODIM:

I am the X-Factor!

COLIN JOST:

Wha?

EGO NWODIM:

I am the X-Factor! I am the X-Factor Colin! I am the X-Factor!

COLIN JOST:

Okay. Okay. X Personified, ladies and gentlemen!

EGO NWODIM:

XO XO XO everyone!

FADE OUT

END OF SCENE

PARODY SONG – SET TO THEME OF RAWHIDE

Biden, Biden, Biden,

Nothing on you is dyed-in

Don’t let them polls awiden, BIDEN!

Through awkward pats and lapses

Instead, be one with the masses,

“Wishin’ I’ll be the one to preside”

All those experts we’re missin’

Good advice – we’ll certainly listen

Just waitin’ for the end of this ride

Move 'em on, head 'em up
Head 'em up, vote me in
Move 'em on, head 'em up, CURBSIDE!
Cut 'em out, vote me in
Mail 'em in, vote 'em out
Cut 'em out, ride me in, STATEWIDE!

Keep movin', movin', movin'

I hope they are approvin'
Keep those polls a cruisin', QUALIFIED
Don't try to reprimand 'em, Just test, insure and hand 'em
policies, economics supply-side
I’m not(?) equating
Hell with what Trump’s activatin’,
Just hopin’ I get to hit my stride!

Move 'em on, head 'em up
Head 'em up, vote me in
Move 'em on, head 'em up, TURN THE TIDE
Cut 'em out, ride me in
Mail 'em in, vote 'em out
Cut 'em out, vote me in, LANDSLIDE!

Thank you for reading! Writing these sketches was a pleasure, and I hope you found some joy in them. I am working on perfecting the formatting, so please accept my apologies. I wrote the lines in Word using what I could find online as reference. Please know I submitted my writing release via email.

Thank you all for being an inspiration.

Sincerely,

Sally